Modem Girl Says "Now!"

Wonderful!

2008-11-18T22:26:00.000-08:00

John Hodgman on the ukelele accompanied by Jonathan Coulton.

sniffle

2008-10-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in forever, but I had to share these. Beautiful, whimsical and ultimately heartbreaking. Seriously, my eyes are all wet right now.

An Open Letter

2008-07-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Amateur Pornographers,

First let me say I am a great fan of your work. The various and seemingly endless parade of horrors you are willing to subject your orifices to never fails to surprise me. Your creativity and devotion to your craft always shines through. I didn't know you could put a traffic cone in there! Bravo! Brava!

Having said that, I do have a couple of issues I'd like to broach. Not really complaints, more like advice! Please, Amateur Pornographers, understand that I make these suggestions with your best intentions in mind...

- Could you think about muting the television? I understand you like to watch Law & Order. Who doesn't? Am I right? That show is always on somewhere! But, perhaps it doesn't need to be on while you are strapped into your sex swing with a giant rubber penis flopping around your vagina? I'm not saying you shouldn't be watching! Maybe you can abuse yourself during a commercial, or with the closed captioning on. It's probably just me, but I find it confusing trying to figure out what "the prosecution" has to do with anything!

- Do your babies need to be in the other room while you hump away on a webcam? Is the sound of crying children supposed to be cautionary in regard to all the unprotected sex? Am I mistaken and this is a public service? If so, well played. Very progressive!

- I know balancing work, a family, housework and your penchant for recording yourself doing unspeakable acts can be difficult. We've all been there, right? Ha! This crazy modern life can be so hectic! But I am of the opinion that any unspeakable act worth doing on camera is worth doing right. And if you have time to shop for nude colored thigh highs and red pumps, then you have time to fold the laundry, move the basket out of frame, and straighten up your bedroom. This is a reflection on you! You only get one chance to make a first impression. Make the best of it, clear away the dishes.

- You might want to look into getting a new bedspread, haircut and manicure. The current ones are looking pretty dated. It's the little touches like *not* having badly chipped candy apple red talons that make all the difference. And you should reward yourself with a new comforter and pillowcase set! From the looks of things, you're definitely long overdue on that! I'd say about 15 years or so. Do something nice for YOU. Something that doesn't involve lube.

I know you are not professional pornographers with production costs and fancy equipment like "lights," but some of these things can just be so distracting! I'm only trying to look out for you. I hope I've been helpful.

Please keep up the good, hard, relentless, brutal, greying, saggy work! Truly, you are all brave souls. Brave for having the courage to openly and freely profess your love of filming an extremely intimate act, and brave for putting a baseball bat in your assholes. I wish you all nothing but the best of luck with your impending anal fissures.

Sincerely,

Modemgirl

P.S. Way to keep the spark alive!

Vote Modemgirl

2008-06-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

If I were to run for president, I'd run under one of two slogans:

"Pants are a Prison"
or
"Eating Babies: LEGALIZE IT"

Or, or, or!!

"Eating Babies: YES WE CAN"

The last one has a niiiice ring to it! I bet people would like that.

Just being helpful

2008-06-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

What is THIS?

An article about saving money at the movies.

Seems to me they left out the two most time-tested and reliable movie money saving tips of all:

1. Paying for one movie, then jumping to other theaters. Double features, if you will. Ex.: "Knocked Up"/"Ocean's 13", "Closer"/"Ocean's 12." "Hairspray"/"Die Hard 4" was considered once, but my butt was already tired before we made it to "Die Hard."

2. Big purse full of snacks bought at the grocery store or brought from home. Things I have illicitly carried into the movies: bottles of water, Dr. Pepper, popcorn in a Ziploc bag that I made at home on the stove, cocktails, Chex Mix, "Have a Corn" chips, vanilla lattes and croissants, iced tea, AAAANNNNNNDDDDD.............ICE CREAM IN A WAFFLE BOWL FROM COLDSTONE SMUGGLED INTO THE MOVIES INSIDE MY PURSE!!

That is how you save money at the movies. Everybody knows that.

Things that I do in the car besides driving

2008-03-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

- Eat
- Sing
- Cry (sometimes while singing)
- Search for matches or a lighter
- Smoke
- Text
- Look for things in my purse (directions, lists, chapstick)
- Read (only at red lights)
- Pick my nose
- Think about my life
- Cry
- Talk back to the radio
- Think about calling the radio
- Call someone who isn't on the radio
- Flip through my cd case
- Crunch numbers on a calculator
- Generally make a mess

Things I do not do in the car:

- Drink coffee
- Put on makeup
- Shave

I might be a menace. But, I don't think so.
- Work

I like food, food tastes good!

2007-08-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to taste or smell anything in a week. Here is a list of things I will be eating as soon as I regain my lost senses:

-sweet potato fries
-little cheeseburgers from McDonald's
-Dr. Pepper
-milk
-breakfast burrito
-orange beef and potstickers

On the upside, here is a list of things I haven't had to smell in a week:

-poop (baby or otherwise)
-stank dog breath
-old milk
-B.O.

I know my list of foods to eat seems wildly unhealthy, but for the last 3 weeks I've pretty much been eating chicken soup, oatmeal and tea. I'm due for a Dr. Pepper. I stopped eating soup and oatmeal on monday, and I've been mostly eating yogurt. For my vagina's sake.

Fool me once...

2007-08-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

So, I bought a purse from a dude in a parking lot on Saturday. I got it home, and the clasp fell off. I went back to said parking lot this afternoon to get mah money. The purse dude wasn't there.

Shocking.

Score!

2007-05-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

I love it when Law and Order starts like this:

Medical Examiner: "You guys gotta come see this!"
*Coed Detective Team runs over*
Medical Examiner: "There appears to be a foreign object in her vagina. That looks like a wooden handle...I'd guess it's a wooden mixing spoon."

Me (hearing the words "foreign object" and "vagina" on television, so instantly snapping to attention): "WHAT!? HAHA! Oh, Law and Order...you pull out all the stops for your season finales."

UPDATE: The coroner just showed me the spoon. Then, she said, "That reminds me. I have to bake a cake for my son's birthday." Kinky! They have since shown the offending spoon several times.

Axl Rose will make you kill people

2007-05-18T21:21:00.001-07:00

I just heard on Dateline, that the prosecution in some murder case was trying to use the fact that the dude had "Used to Love Her" by Guns N' (fucking) Roses on his computer as proof that he killed his wife. OK. I don't know if he DID kill her. I'm not paying close enough attention to make a judgement call on that. But THAT certainly doesn't seem like substantial evidence to me. I have that song, I haven't tried to kill my wife (yet). I also have "Oh Yoko" by John Lennon, but I haven't fallen in love with any crazy asians (yet). I'm not making a very good point here. But you know what I mean.

NoooooooOOOOO!!!

2007-05-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

A HUGE crow has been trying to break into my bedroom for the past 20 minutes! It keeps divebombing the windows!! Relentlessly!! When I say this thing is huge, I am NOT dicking around. (haha..huge? dicking?) Seriously though! These crows at my house are half the size of the dogs in the backyard. They're so large and intimidating, that while most birds are promptly chased off by the dogs, the crows are allowed to congregate completely unfettered. They're so big, that when they land on the trees, THE BRANCHES SNAP OFF. I AM NOT KIDDING AROUND HERE.

If I turn up tomorrow, dead, with a giant crow's nest in my chestal cavity, I will not be surprised.

He's a man of the people

2007-05-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

Jay Leno just said he's on the Exxon Mobil diet. Where you pay so much for gas, that you can't afford food!!

Har, har..I just LOL'ed all over myself.

P.S. I totally rolled my eyes when he said that. But then, I remembered that Leno has 893847593875397539 cars. Gas probably is expensive for him. However, most of them are from like, 1903, so I think they run on dodo eggs or something else equally archaic.

TIME OUT!!

2007-05-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

To be fair, that ottoman was totally asking for it.

Aug. 15, 1995

2007-05-16T23:25:00.000-07:00

Aug. 15, 1995

My mom made me buy dresses today. (This was a major issue because I hated to wear dresses and I felt like my mom was making me "change who I was") I also bought some patchouli oil gag and some rain incense with a blood red holder.

I finally told Evan who I like. (Craig. For those of you keeping score at home and, understandably, confused.) He threatened to tell him. I almost started to cry. Then, he told me he was sorry and that he was just kidding. I wonder about Evan a lot. I wonder why he says some of the things he says. I wonder if he really likes likes me. I don't think I'll ever know.

I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER KNOW!? It's like I'm some kind of idiot. I can't figure out that the one boy who actually likes me, LIKES ME! I'm too busy developing crushes on any other teenage boy who looks my way.

Ha! Again!

2007-05-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'm unruly.

Me: 13 y.o. me is coming back as 25 y.o. me!!
Me: hell motherfucking crap shit damn boobs piss yeah!!
Jason: alright...

Ha!

2007-05-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

Jason: it's compelling stuff.
Jason: and also pretty funny when you point out how absurd some of the stuff you wrote down is.
Me: like when i brag to myself?
Jason: i don't know. i might not be able to post the things i wrote down at that age on my site.
Me: why?

Jason: i don't know. i have my moments of being unashamed.
Jason: but not like that.
Me: like what?
Jason: i don't know. i'd feel personal the things i wrote privately hoping nobody would ever read them.
Jason: personally about the things i wrote privately that is.
Me:even at 15 years later?
Jason: a bit. it's like i'd probably never have expected anyone to read that.
Jason: it would mortify my 13 year old self to know that i was making fun of it 16 years later.
Me: haha...your 13 y.o. you needs to toughen the fuck up or 13 y.o. me will kick his ass
Jason: 25 year old you kicks 29 year old me's ass.
Me: yeah, but 13 y.o. me would do it physically

Aug. 10, 1995

2007-05-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

Aug. 10, 1995

Today the crappiest shit happened. OK, so this bitch comes over and stole a picture of my friend Johnny. She asked if she could have it, I told her no. She took it anyways. She put it in her sweaty bra! She also hung up on Evan when I was talking to him. Bitch. (This was the first time I'd ever met this girl. She was my mom's friend's niece or something. She was AWFUL.) To really top things off, we have to stay at Kristi's tomorrow. Stacy "The Bitch" is staying there too. Mom told me I can't punch her in the mouth. I don't care. If she fucks with me again, it's her own damn fault!

The crappiest shit!?!? Hahaha!!

Aug. 9, 1995

2007-05-16T10:04:00.001-07:00

Aug. 9, 1995

Today Evan called and I was drunk off my ass. It was 10:30 in the morning. (Am I bragging to MYSELF here?) That was like, the only thing that happened today. I also played my guitar and learned more of "Polly."

This is not a diary!!! It is simply a journal that tells my life from now on!!

Today really sucked.

100th Post!

2007-05-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Aug. 7, 1995

Evan called this morning. He woke me up. I am really glad he called though, I missed him. I didn't do anything today. Really boring. I wonder how long til my mom finds this? Paranoid!

Aug. 8, 1995

Evan called me again today. He's such a good friend and he's really sweet.

Everybody else got their graduation pictures back today, but me. I didn't. I'm pissed. Hmm...I never did get those pictures. They were paid for and everything. What a scam.

The Ramones are playing here on the 30th at the Tejon. It's supposed to be their last tour. I might go.

Johnny sheesh is back from Washington today, and he's off of grounding. Maybe we'll hang out later. Cool. To be fair, he was one of the few friends I had that lived within walking distance from me. *sigh* Who am I kidding, I probably wanted to make out with him too.

I really don't want to go to Shafter. I want to go to Centennial with all my friends! It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Evan told me he loves me today. You'd think that would have been at the top of the page. But no, it was just a footnote.

Aug. 5 & 6, 1995

2007-05-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

Aug. 5, 1995

I didn't sleep last night. Not at all. I stayed up until my mom came to get me and took me home. Then, I took a shower, threw up, and went to sleep for 9 hours. I am like, really sick. From what, I don't know.

My parents thought the reason I came home so early in the morning was because something happened. They thought I was high or something. Whatever. That really pissed me off. I thought they were reading my stuff. I haven't talked to Evan since his birthday. I still don't have a present for him.
OK. I've gotta do something.

Aug. 6, 1995

I didn't do anything today. That was really boring.
I am going to try begging for my own room again and a birthday party. I really hope I get them.

I heard something interesting today. It goes, "The only normal people, are people you don't know very well." Cool.

And now I am LAUGHING at myself. Also, at the bottom of this page in the notebook, in teeny-tiny little letters, it says, "I hope you don't believe any of this. Why are you in my stuff?" I thought that my parents would be shamed by their actions when they saw that. If they were, in fact, "reading my stuff." I tried to play it off as some creative writing. Nicely done, 13 y.o. Sarah!

Aug. 4, 1995

2007-05-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

Aug. 4, 1995

I stayed at Rose's house tonight for her birthday party. It was really fun! We ate Taco Bell and rented "Interview with the Vampire." That was a total kick ass movie. At the party was me, Rose, Rhea, Ali, Jenny and Dominique.

I am SO pissed at Brandy. I was reading the stuff in Angie's yearbook and read what Brandy wrote. Brandy and I have been best friends since 4th grade. (we even had necklaces to prove it.) But, I guess she decided Angie is her new best friend. She wrote, "In the beginning of the year you hung out with other people, but then we snatched you up and now you're my best friend." Thanx, Brandy. I don't know what I'm going to say to her when she gets back from camp.

Brandy and Angie ended up running away that summer. They got as far as the white trash section of town, then Angie spent all the rest of their food money on chapstick. She was supposed to be getting donuts.

Aug. 3, 1995

2007-05-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

Aug. 3, 1995

This is going to sound kind of childish when I read this to myself later in life, but I am still totally in love with Craig. I know all this shit about Cole makes it sound like he's the guy I really like, but he's not. He's cool and everything, but ever since I met Craig I've really liked him. When Rose told me how much he likes Andrea, it makes me feel sort of jealous. O.K., really jealous. Like how the other day, whenever nobody knew where Andrea was, Craig was out looking for her until 3 in the morning. Would he do that for me? I think so, but not for the same reasons. Weep, weep.

Today is Evan's birthday. He's 14. I called him and told him happy birthday. I love Evan, he's one of my very best friends. He's so sweet. He keeps asking me if I listened to all the tapes he made for me. I told him yes, but the truth is I listened to all of The Descendents one, but only one side of the other one. Maybe there's something on the other side I should listen to. I'll do it definitely tomorrow. The first boy to make me mix tapes! Awww!!

I'm going to Rose's house tomorrow for her birthday party. It's a slumber party, I can't wait!

Cont.

2007-05-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

Aug. 2, 1995

Today I learned how to play the beginning of "Polly." I'm going to try to learn the rest of it next week. (Not very disciplined on the guitar playing, I see.) I completely forgot tomorrow is Evan's birthday. Oops! Today, when I called Evan, Craig was over at his house. They were so fucked up. Craig kept saying all this crazy shit when he was talking to me. He said, "Hey Sarah, do you wanna hear how the cavemen invented fire? This fucking time traveler went back in fucking time and left his fucking lighter!"
O.K. It's been a long time since I've been that wasted.
I want Cole to come over so we can hang out.

And now the introduction of 2 other people with penises. Of course. I actually remember this phone conversation pretty well. While I was talking to them, they broke one of Evan's mom's kitchen chairs AND a folding chair. Then, they ate a bunch of stale corn chips and blew up a Terminator doll with a modified Piccolo Pete. The whole time they were blowing up the Terminator doll, they were saying "I'll be back." in an Arnold accent and cracking up. After the Piccolo Pete went off, and the doll should have been toast, they ran over to get it and found that it was pretty much intact. Which kind of weirded everyone out.

Wow.

2007-05-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

You guys are in luck. I found my journal from when I was like, 12 or 13. This is going to be hilarious. And mortifying.

OK..this is the summer after 8th grade. I'm 13, and runnin' with a bad crowd. This all comes from a black Mead notebook with a big, red anarchy sign scratched into the front. Be MORE cliched, Sarah! I'm gonna try and keep out of this, but present-day me might pop in to clarify. If I do, it'll be in italics. *sigh* Here we go:

Aug. 1, 1995
Why do I have this thing for Cole? Is it because he's cute in his own way, or how nice he is, or his sweet smile? Or is it just the way when he touches me, even just doing something so innocent, like me painting his nails last night and he put his hand on my leg, it felt so...I don't know how to describe it.
I do. It's called hormones. It's not magical, 13 y.o. Sarah! It's just a boy paying attention to you, so you like him. This will pretty much be the pattern for my life for the next 7 or 8 years or so.

After thinking for a second, I decided that I like Cole because he's the boy version of me. (This was not true.) He says things and does things I wish I had the guts to do. He's flirtatious with just the right amount of being a pervert. WHAT?! But could I go out with him?
He was also 16. That may have had something to do with it.

I've been thinking about my vices lately. Will I self destruct if I keep smoking cigarettes and pot and doing speed? yes. esp. that last thing Look at how fucked up Rose is. Oh well, at least pot and cigarettes won't kill me soon. Screw it. I can control everything else. I'm strong! nope

I had a dream about Cole last night, and the night before. When he gets his license in a couple months, he told me he'd take me to the beach and let me play The Ramones the whole fucking way. That would be awesome. I guess Cole likes Erin. But Erin and Jenni both said he flirted heavily with me all night. Gee, I didn't notice. Mostly, I just like to talk to him. Oh well, must sleep now.

Jeez! What a dummy!

Easter Lesson

2007-04-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today, I learned something very important.

Mimosas and jump ropes do not mix.

I also learned that I can still run in on a turning jump rope. I'm awesome. My niece was impressed.

Video Day

2007-04-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

This is funny to me too. At first I said, "Ohhh....kids these days." But then, I thought to myself, that I was doing a lot of this stuff when I was 14. Ummm....I do a lot of this stuff NOW. I just don't put in on the Myspace. Except for that one picture of me, Erin, Missy and Denys having a 4-way tongue kiss. I put that on my Myspace. It's actually on this video. Keep an eye out for it.

Alanis' Humps

2007-04-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

This has been all over tha internets. But I'm putting it here too, because it cracked me up.

HAHAHA

2007-03-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

RE: My previous post

I think it's funny that 1337 was the first number in my head. I didn't even think about it until it was already posted.

What a nerd.

Reason #1,337 to move away.

2007-03-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

When I was driving home today, I was stuck behind this truck at a stoplight. It had a sticker on the back that was a Dale Earnhardt "#3" with a HALO over it. Like that wasn't bad enough, underneath that, it said "God needed a driver."

Oh, OK. Sure. I could just imagine some hillbilly saying that all tearfully and earnestly to another hillbilly.

I hate this fucking town.

Bleagh.

2007-03-07T00:44:00.000-08:00

Why must gin taste like Christmas trees?

It does NOT put me in a holiday spirit. It puts me in a throwing up spirit.

Don't worry, I'm OK. I'm keepin' it down!!

24 Hour Photo Project

2007-03-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

At least one photo for every hour that you're awake over a day's time.

My contribution is here.

Maybe next time I'll participate on a day that I'm more interesting. In any case, it was fun.

Verrrrry interesting...

2007-03-04T22:50:00.000-08:00

I guess Slash was at Anna Nicole's funeral. That's strange to me.

My night

2007-03-04T00:11:00.000-08:00

I went out.

Now, I'm back home in my pajamas, watching SNL and playing Diddy Kong.

*shrug*

Secret word of the day...

2007-02-21T02:01:00.000-08:00

The secret word of the day is:

HOT!!!!!

AUGH!!!!! *This is me screaming like it's Pee-wee's Playhouse*

Why? Because today, I am hot. Good for me. Here's proof:

Today, I felt good. Yay for me! Sometimes, a girl is happy to be cute.

I'm so vain sometimes. Blah.

REALLY?!

2007-02-16T08:41:00.000-08:00

After only getting about 2 1/2 hours of sleep on Wednesday, I was exhausted last night. Unfortunately, I was too tired and too contemplative to fall asleep until around 1:30 last night. When I finally did feel my eyes getting heavy, I set my alarm for 8:30 and went to sleep....

I never get my full night's sleep here. My dad and my sister are the loudest most inconsiderate people to deal with in the morning. She clatters in her heels back and forth across the tile, from her room to the bathroom. Over and over and over, opening and closing doors. He usually wakes me up because he's grinding coffee, or yelling questions to my mom from across the house, or slamming the front door every time he comes in and out, or turning on the lights outside the house, one of which is directly over the window that my bed sits under.

So, guess what happened today? No, never mind, you would never guess in a million years. I'll just tell you.

I was startled out of a VERY deep sleep this morning by the opening of "SUMMER OF FUCKING '69" BY BRYAN FUCKING ADAMS. It was on the stereo in the living room, cranked the fuck up. It was 7:00. IN THE MORNING.

This is a whole new level. It actually brought tears to my eyes out of sheer frustration. I already have one of those sleep mask things, it might be time to invest in some earplugs as well. I hope my house never catches on fire, because I would never know. All thanks to my dad. And Bryan Fucking Adams.

SNL...

2007-02-11T00:24:00.000-08:00

was just redeemed by Weekend Update.

"I'm Han Solo, for REALSIES!"

Problems

2007-02-10T23:31:00.000-08:00

Tonight's SNL doesn't really appeal to me. Forest Whitaker and Keith Urban? I don't feel the need to watch it at all. *sigh* I already am though...

I'm REALLY stuck on a part in "Super Princess Peach." I can't get past it, but I know someone who can....I need his help.

Mysterious Mysteries

2007-02-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

My dog, Spartacus, is wearing a necklace. Nobody knows where it came from, nobody knows who put it there. It's a leather cord with an Aztec eagle charm. I think Spartacus has a secret life.

Dang!

2007-02-05T15:48:00.000-08:00

Diddy Kong doesn't come out until Wednesday! I was all set to run to Target this afternoon and buy it. Crap. Tom Petty was right, the waiting IS the hardest part.

Other things Tom Petty was right about:

- I AM an American girl. I WAS raised on promises.
- Living in Reseda with all the bad boys and good girls can really get you down.
- Just because you wait until you've finished high school to try and become a rock star doesn't mean you're very smart. Also, just because you have chains on your leather jacket and a roadie named Bart doesn't mean you'll be fulfilled, or even terribly successful.
- When learning to fly without wings, coming down WOULD be the hardest thing.
- Marrying a yuppie and taking him for all he's worth and then becoming a swinger while dating a singer are probably both comparably awful.
- In a world gone mad, you need someone bad. Well, I don't know about that one.
- Somewhere, somehow, somebody must have kicked you around. But you don't have to live like a refugee.
- Girls named Mary-Jane are trouble.

Tom Petty, a sage, a troubadour, a man of wisdom.

Superblah.

2007-02-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking that my brilliant plan on Saturday night to "drink until I pass out." Was not the best decision I've ever made. In my attempt to feel better, I only ended up feeling WAY worse the next day. You'd think after 13 years of drinking like this I would have learned my lesson. Yeah, you would think. But you'd be wrong.

Today, I am back on the straight and narrow. Look out treadmills!

F you, John Cusack.

2007-02-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

Damn that John Cusack and his "Say Anything!" That Lloyd Dobler gets me every time.

Also, did you know that kickboxing is the sport of the future? I didn't.

What I'm Going To Do Tomorrow...

2007-02-04T02:11:00.000-08:00

Nothing.

I'm so tired.

Indie Rock is Dead.

2007-02-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

Probably.

Yesterday, at JC Penney's, I heard The Decemberists' "The Crane Wife 3" over the speakers. Which was worse than the time I heard Death Cab for Cutie at a Lane Bryant.

I hope to never hear The Shins in a grocery store. Well, unless it's a Trader Joe's. That makes sense for some reason.

My Girl. Not the movie I remember. But still very excellent.

2007-01-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

Today is my day off. I spent most of it on the couch, watching tv and eating pretzels. I flipped around for a while, watching a few different things, then, I saw "My Girl" was starting. I changed the channel and settled in for a movie I haven't seen in forever. It was very different than I remembered.

So, here are the TOP TEN THINGS IN MY GIRL THAT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHEN I WAS 10:

1. The man being embalmed at the beginning of the movie died of prostate cancer. This, in turn, makes Vada think she has prostate cancer. I had NO IDEA what prostate cancer was. I now see what the big joke is. Vada can't have prostate cancer. She's a girl. I did get wise to prostate cancer a few years later. We used to tell our youngest sister she had it. HIGH-larious.

2. At the beginning, Thomas J. and Vada are riding their bikes and Thomas J. takes his feet off the pedals. Vada is unimpressed and says, "Oh wow, a real Evel Kaneval." I didn't remember that being funny to me before. I seriously doubt I knew who Eval Kaneval was when I was 9 or 10. Maybe I did, I did really like "Circus of the Stars" and other big prime time stunt shows. I just don't remember knowing that.

3. A few minutes later, this exchange happens:
THOMAS J: Wanna go to Gray's orchard and pick some peaches?
VADA: No, I'm going home.
THOMAS J: Why? It's not dinner time yet.
VADA: Dinner time?? You're like a dog! You just go home to eat.

Vada pedals away, leaving Thomas J. behind her

Don't pee on the hydrant!!

OK. I never caught that before. She kind of yells it over her shoulder, so, either I didn't hear her properly, or, I didn't realize that dogs peed on hydrants. Our dogs peed on trees, grass and the carpet. Never on hydrants. Who knew?

4. Vada goes to ask her dad for $35 so she can take a summer writing class. Her dad is watching "All in the Family," Archie Bunker is yelling something about which channel Cronkite is on, Edith says, "Channel 2! The channel we never watch because you say Cronkite is a communist!" to which Archie responds, "He ain't ALL red!" Laughter, laughter, laughter!! He ain't all red? What does that mean? Ohhh...I get it now.

5. Vada goes to her writing class and is told that it is an ADULT writing class, she wants to stay and the class agrees she should stay, so she does. A couple people read poems, then this hippie named Rhonda reads a poem about "a really beautiful experience" she had with her boyfriend, it goes like this;

He covers me like a blanket, from the cold, dark night,
As I look into his eyes, I know it's right,
To touch, to feel, I know he's real,
Flesh all a mesh, flesh ALL a mesh,
I can't fight it, there's no point,
I wake up and light a joint.

I knew what sex was already, so it wasn't that. I may not have known what a joint was, in fact, that last line was a surprise to me. I didn't remember it at all. I am still confused as to what "flesh all a mesh" means. So...that hasn't changed.

6. When Vada cuts her finger on a fishing hook, she tells Thomas J. they should be blood brothers. He picks a scab on his arm and they rub their blood together. It made me gag. I didn't get that being blood brothers was TOTALLY gross.

7. Vada calls Thomas J. a pacifist. No explanation needed there. I already knew what sex was, but pacifism? No clue.

8. Vada is a hypochondriac. I knew she was being weird, and I kind of knew why, but I didn't know exactly what it was.

9. Vada is a REALLY depressed little girl. Like, seriously. She says some pretty weird things and is obviously obsessive over death and dying. Weird.

10. This movie isn't really for kids. I thought it was, but upon viewing it this afternoon, I see that is not the case. It's pretty sad, and deals with some tough issues. Also, Jamie Lee Curtis has a pretty fierce camel toe in a couple of scenes. That definitely isn't child appropriate. It isn't appropriate for anyone. Maybe it wasn't a camel toe, maybe it was a moose knuckle since Jamie Lee is a hermy. That's my new slang term for hermaphrodites. Hermy. Or, in the case of lots of hermaphrodites, Hermies.

There you have it. I'm back. Isn't it glorious?

Dear The Shins and Etsy.com,

2007-01-22T16:23:00.000-08:00

I love you both.

Etsy.com, I'm sorry I've slept on you for so long. I don't have an excuse, I knew you existed, yet I did nothing. Now that I know what you're all about, I'm sorry there is so much wasted time between us. I hope you'll let me make it up to you.

The Shins, I will be buying your new album first thing tomorrow morning. I will wait at Target in my pajamas like a crazy lady in a Mervyn's commercial. I will then run to my car, tear the plastic open with my teeth, then, with bated breath, I will gently place the cd in the stereo and wait for what is surely a sonic treat. Then, when I get home, I will immediately put it on my computer, then onto my ipod. I will then go to the gym and listen to it there. I will listen to it on the way home and then on the way to work. This will be the case for several days.

Love and kisses,

Sarah

What?!

2006-11-09T11:42:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted anything in a looong time. Check this out though!! What?!

Ok! Let's try again!

Kim Cattrall twice!? Really? I look THAT much like old whore? I guess I do. Who am I to argue with MyHeritage? And look at all the Asian girls! Very interesting...Supposedly, there is a 96% match between me and the 1st girl in the 2nd set. This is strange.

At least Carnie Wilson didn't pop up. I would have been devastated.

Check it out, preppie.

2006-09-18T12:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.nervevideo.com/foundvideo/055/video.aspx?videoitemId=25

Haha!

I'm an old lady now.

2006-08-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have offically seen the last band I ever NEED to see (barring the highly unlikely reunions of Guns n' Roses and the original Misfits lineup.) I walked what seemed like miles, pushed and shoved my way to the front, then proceeded to spaz out for a solid hour. It was amazing, it was everything I hoped for, it was almost unreal. I jumped and screamed until my throat was tired and my muscles were sore. Then, I jumped and screamed some more. I got sweaty, I got pushed around, I gave a dude an elbow in the neck. It was fucking fun. I don't even know what to say about it anymore. I've been talking about it for days and I don't feel like I have the words for it. I haven't been able to thank Jason enough for making this happen. Seeing The Cramps was really something I didn't hold out a lot of hope for. I didn't really think I would ever make it to a show. He made sure I did. Even when I was so excited I was afraid, even when I thought I was going to throw up, even when I almost cried because I couldn't see. He made it happen. He also took some pictures. Here they are:

Here is part of the aftermath:

Other than that bruise, and some on my arm, my ribs and hips were sore from getting hit, my legs were wobbly from jumping, my neck and shoulders were all sore, and I thought I punctured my eardrum. Old lady injuries aside, I felt great.

I had an incredibly wonderful weekend. Jason's reunion was fun, the street fair was fun. I like to go down there because Jason takes me to all these really cool places and restaurants. I have so much fun that I always crash harder than usual. It goes from me being SOOOO happy and having such a great time, to being SOOOO sad that we have to go our separate ways. The drive back to town is depressing for me. *sigh* I guess that'll make it just that much better the next time are together.

OK. That's all I have to say for right now. I'm feeling sort of rambling and disjointed, so I'm gonna wrap this up.

Stay sick.

Oh yeah!

2006-08-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

I've fielded a couple of requests for this, so here it is:

If I don't have any new content, Jason might.

Here. Here. Or here.

We just wanna keep you fools entertained! Ya heard?

PEACE!

Listy-lists

2006-08-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

Songs that always get the party started:

1. "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. Never f'ing fails.
2. "Push It" by Salt n Pepa. It's like you're 10 years old and at the roller rink. Except this time you're drunk. Oh, you're probably not on skates either.
3. "Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground. You know why...
4. "Groove is in the Heart" by Dee Lite. I used to hate it, but now I love it. It's crazy fun to dance to it.
5. "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce. It's my girl, B.
6. "Brass Monkey" by Beastie Boys. That funky monkey.

Things that I'm loving:

1. Margherita pizza. My mouth got all wet just typing that!
2. My new Smashing Pumpkins greatest hits album. Remember when you used to love them? I'll bet you do. I bet you forgot all about them. I'm bringing them back! For me, anyways.
3. This. I'm thinking of moving my blog to over there. Pros: It's really pretty, it's easier to use with Safari, it has some really cool features. Cons: All my content is here. I'd have to leave my archives behind. Also, people know this address. What do you think?
4. The way Jason's hand feels on the small of my back. It just fits nice there.

Things that I'm hating:

1. SlimFast
2. Lean Cuisine
3. Dolphins
4. Porpoises. They're too close to dolphins. That's right. It's gonna be like that now.
5. Exercise
6. Terrorism. Terrorism is for losers! Don't do drugs either!

TV shows I used to like:

1. 227
2. My Secret Identity. I always talk to people about this show, and nobody else remembers it. I'm always like, "No, man! It had Jerry O'Connell in it, he was a kid with super powers!" Then they look at me like I made it all up. Well, I didn't. I remember the whole premise was basically whether or not he would exploit his super powers. Like, he could win the school track meet by using his powers and running really fast, but should he? He doesn't. Shocker.
3. Remington Steele
4. Knight Rider. I remember being about 4 and getting in trouble because my mom was calling me to dinner and I was all, "In a minute, mom! I'm watching the talking car!" and she says, "Now, Sarah!" so then I'm all, "I TOLD YOU! IN A MINUTE!!!" I was willing to totally get smacked over a Mr. Feeny car. What a fan!
5. The Muppet Show. This one doesn't really count, I still like this show. Except for the Swedish chef, and the guy that blows up stuff. He creeps me out.
6. Models Inc./Kindred: The Embraced. I only liked Aaron Spelling shows that nobody else liked. 90210? No thanks! Melrose Place? Boooring!! Models that kill each other and Ponyboy hunting vampires? Sign me up, please!

Which reminds me. Ponyboy was actually Ponyboy CURTIS. Guess what that means for a certain girl named Curtis? That means she's PONYBOY!! GROSS!!

Also, Denys, Denys, Denys. Denys, Denys.

Anybody got anything to add?

Why?

2006-08-06T03:27:00.000-07:00

I'm such a hippie sometimes. Sorry. I was (and still am) totally moved.

Overwhelmed.

2006-08-06T02:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a beautiful night.

Unseasonably cool and crisp, the sky was clear and the air was quiet. Driving home, down a particularly unfettered stretch of road, I happened to glance out my window and see the moon. It was hard to miss. Low slung and buttery, not the usual silvery pearl that seems so far away. This moon was a lazy moon. Hovering what seemed like just feet off the horizon, like it couldn't be bothered to rise all the way up into the sky. It watched me drowsily, mostly exposed, but also peeking. A giant warm topaz eye, craters forming the iris and pupil, shadows forming the lid. Sleepy and soft, warm and glowing. I could barely take my eyes off of it. It followed me all the way home, eventually falling behind when I turned onto my street. Every so often it would wink at me in my mirrors, but mostly it had given up the chase. A miracle in and of itself. A distant planet that seemed close enough to pluck out of the sky like overripe fruit. I wanted to touch it, to run my fingers over the grooves. I wanted to stop and stare, turning my face toward its shimmering surface like the sun. It was suspended all alone, no stars to interfere, no pushy twinkling and sparkling. Just this big, heavy moon.

Every day is a remarkable day to be alive. Every moon and sun, every errant breeze and twirling leaf, a love letter. All of nature mirrors itself, eyes and moons, trees and veins, heartbeats and ocean tides. Everything has its place, everything has its purpose. Everything working together, unaware of the task at hand, keeping the balance running. Lives intertwined like vines creeping. Sometimes it's all too much for me to take in, this vast and beautiful world around me. Always changing, but always the same. Mountains, hills, oceans, delicate petals, sweet puppy noses, glinting fish, chirping birds, every single bit of it a colorfully wrapped gift. A gift that too often goes discarded and disregarded. A gift that is constantly calling out to be noticed. Looked at and admired, enjoyed to the fullest extent. There is artistry all around you. Sometimes you just have to look away from yourself and your life, even just for a second, to glance at something you take for granted every single day. Something beautiful and truly wonderful. See all that there is around you and feel your specific place in it. There are small, glittering treasures everywhere, hidden in plain sight, just for you, for me. Our job is to open our eyes and see them. Picking them up and pocketing them away. Collecting them all the time. Relics and artifacts of your life and the life around you. Look at them today. This day will never happen again, and it might be the only chance you get to see certain things. You miss them and then they're gone. See it all.

A Date With The Cramps

2006-08-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a sad story.

If you've ever talked to me about shows that I've missed and bands that I love, then you've probably already heard it. But, for those out of the loop, here it is, for posterity.

When I was around 12 or 13 I was deeply involved with my first love: punk rock. I was obsessed. I couldn't get enough. I spent my days plugged in and listening. The Ramones, The Misfits, X, Crass, The Descendents, The Cramps, The Clash, The Damned, Social Distortion, X-Ray Spex, Black Flag, The Germs, Dead Kennedys, D.I., Subhumans, The Dead Milkmen, countless other local bands....I had never felt anything like it. I was an ungainly, chubby, bespectacled girl who had yet to grow into her face. I had little interest in anything other than books. Other kids at school thought I was weird, the weird kids didn't think I was cool. I was kind of in a limbo. But then I found this. This felt right. This was me. I had always been awkward and this made me feel bold. I'd always been sort of an outsider, and here, I fit in. It was the beginning of a long love affair with guitars and drums. I swear it changed the course of my life. Maybe not always in a good way, but definitely in an interesting way. Because of punk, I know what it feels like to have elbows in my ribs, boots on my toes and smoke in my lungs. I know what it feels like to be sweating and striving and singing and seething along with a room full of other kids. I know what it feels like to be collectively reaching for something in the middle of a crowd. To feel something and know everybody else is feeling it too. The pure adrenaline of being right smack in the middle of something you love. Fuck. Even now, remembering that feeling makes my heart beat faster and my head feel light. Kids swinging from exposed pipes, being knocked to the ground but then helped back up, having my body bloodied and bruised, but to feel ALIVE. Those were shows.

About 11 years ago, The Ramones came to town. I saw a small ad in the paper and I lost my mind over it. I'd already been going to local shows downtown, but this was HUGE. It was going to be the biggest thing of my life so far. The Ramones, in my own town, in front of me, playing for me! Here, in my stupid hick town. Here, where the way I dressed got funny looks and rude remarks. Practically in my very own backyard! Although I know it wasn't the first time one of these bands had come through town, it was the first time I was so excited over it that I could hardly stand myself. I remember sitting in the back seat of my mom's car, trying to figure out a plot to escape and go to the show. I was determined, it was my destiny! I planned and plotted, I had a ticket secured and friends that were going. The countdown was on and the day couldn't come fast enough.

Somehow, my parents caught wind of it.

I'd never been on lockdown like I was that night. There was no way to sneak out, no way to escape. I was trapped in my room. There was no way I was going to the show. I sat in my room and cried. I had never felt so defeated. I consoled myself by repeating over and over, "It's OK. They'll be back. You'll have another chance. All is not lost."

Then, The Ramones broke up. "It's OK. Bands get back together all the time! You'll have your chance."

April 15, 2001, Joey Ramone died and all was lost.

June 2002, Dee Dee Ramone was supposed to play a show here at Jerry's Pizza. The very downtown basement in which I'd spent so much time growing up. A week before the show, Dee Dee died of a heroin overdose.

September 15, 2004, Johnny Ramone died and that was the end of that. The only remaining original Ramone is Tommy.

The Ramones are my bad luck band. After Joey died, I told myself if I had the opportunity to see these older bands that I loved, that I was going to take it. I wasn't going to put it off until it was too late. In July of 2002, I sang along with Joe Strummer and had an epiphany that I was doing what I said I would and it was fantastic. Here I was, 8 ft. from Joe Strummer and it was amazing. I saw X at that same show. Check and check.

Now, at the top of my list is The Cramps. The band is getting old and I have been getting worried. They don't play much anymore, and I never seem to be able to find out in time when they do. I would be devastated if Lux or Ivy were to die before I had a chance to see them. I'm already wondering how a couple of 60 year olds can bring the hypersexualized, slithering, sopping mess of Americana and B-horror that is The Cramps. By all accounts, the shows are still incredible. Lux still wears stiletto heels and Ivy still wears leather hot pants. I've been aching to see them, but up until recently I didn't have anyone that was really interested in the band to go with me. There were friends that said they would go with me, but I don't want to force it on anyone. I want to be there, having a good time, being able to completely enjoy the show. I don't want to be worrying if the person I dragged along is bored or offended or just waiting to leave.

Jason let me know they were playing the Silverlake Street Fair at the end of August. For once, my date with The Cramps seems attainable. It's weeks away and I'm already getting that churning in my stomach, that pounding in my chest, I can feel the blood in my veins and in my brain. It's the palatable feeling of an impending show. It's the insistent beating of drums and sex. The throbbing, twitching, spasms of rock and fucking roll. I will push and shove and sing. I might cry. I will be part of the collective heaving, breathing mass again. 24 days until I am that girl from almost 13 years ago. 24 days until I am home.

Have you seen this?

2006-07-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Steve for sending it to me.

Filler

2006-07-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

The Seven Sevens (I changed it to Eight Sevens. So what?)

Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1) Go back to school and be a librarian.
2) Stop driving the Ranger.
3) Get married.
4) Have kids, give kids fucked up haircuts.
5) Move far away from here.
6) Punch a shark.
7) Watch Scarface all the way through so I can finally see what the big deal is.

Seven Things I Cannot Do
1) Eat bell peppers.
2) Smoke pot after I've been drinking.
3) Look at Paris Hilton.
4) Math.
5) A cartwheel.
6) Stop drinking milk and eating dairy even though it gives me the mad E.D.s
7) Get close enough to a shark to punch it.

Seven Things I CAN Do
1) Throw up without getting any on me.
2) Drive a stick shift.
3) Wax your cooch.
4) Identify almost every song that I hear within the first couple seconds.
5) Read a book in a day.
6) Spout some bullshit theory on anything.
7) Dance.

Seven Things I Admire In My Spouse/Best Friend (a mashup of things I admire in my boyfriend and best friends)
 1) Sense of humor and the ability to make me laugh.
2) His blogging skills. So much better than mine.
3) Patience
4) My best friends all have much better bodies than I do.
5) Drive.
6) They're all much nicer than I am.
7) Good hearts.

Seven Things I Say Most Often

1) Hello
 2) M.F.
 3) Look, this is what I think...
4) Like
 5) Mom, I need a check.
 6) I love you.
 7) Bye

Seven Books or Series I Love

1) Books by David Sedaris
 2) Books by Bret Easton Ellis
 3) Encyclopedia Prehistorica's Sharks and Other Sea Monsters (It's very important)
 4) The Dirt (The Motley Crue book)
 5) Books by Augusten Burroughs
 6) Books by Chuck Klosterman
 7) Books by Bukowski

Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again
1) La Bamba
2) Back to the Future 1
3) Back to the Future 2 (Please notice the glaring omission of BTTF 3. It pretty much sucks. But, since it is a BTTF movie, I watch it anyways.)
4) Goodfellas
5) Clerks
6) Great Balls of Fire
7) Fear and Loathing

Seven Songs I Can’t Get Enough Of
1) "Rocket Queen" Guns n' Roses
2) "Ultra Twist" The Cramps
3) "Your Love is the Place Where I Come From" Teenage Fanclub
4) "Hovering" Beulah
5) "Three Little Birds" Bob Marley
6) "Best of You" Foo Fighters
7) "Billie Jean" Michael Jackson

There you have it.

Also, the UPS truck finally came. My dress I was waiting for was WAAAY too big. Weak.

A watched pot never boils.

2006-07-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

And the UPS truck you're waiting for takes forever to show up.

Hmmm...

2006-07-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT)

You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!

Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally.

You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.

In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent.

At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia.

With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well.

As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.

On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

The Three Question Personality Test

OK...so this thing was right on target until it said if I seem distant to some, it's usually because I'm deep in thought. Oh, I'm deep in thought all right. If I seem distant to you, it's probably because I'm deep in thought about how I don't like you. I'm deep in thought about something weird that you said, something strange that you did, something funny that you're wearing. Maybe I'm mean, I think I'm just easily distracted. And quick to judge. Can't forget that...

Then it started talking about work. "Idea building careers"? I'm not even sure what that means. I don't think what I do now is an "idea building career." I'm pretty sure the only ideas I build at work are about where I should have lunch.

Coasting on what I was born with? If you've seen me lately, you know that's DEFINITELY not true. I haven't coasted on what I was born with since I was 12. At this point all I have are vague recollections and educated theories about what's my natural hair color. That's not even the extent of this! There are days when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and don't recognize myself for a second! That's how far I sometimes go to NOT coast on what I was born with.

I do think fashion is silly. But not in the way this quiz thinks I do. I do not buy fashion magazines or watch fashion related shows on the t.v. I think the idea of a handful of people dictating what's acceptable for the entire world is ludicrous. Is this to say I don't appreciate style? Absolutely not. Again, if you know me at all, you know this isn't true. I like fashion when it's about what looks good on you, what you like and what YOU think is cool. Not what Cosmo says you should like. Trust me on this, never, ever listen to Cosmo (unless it's about "positions", then, listen away), people don't live like that. I've said it once, and I'll keep saying it forever, Cosmo and magazines like it, will never help you. All they do is breed insecurity and fear. They publish it under the guise of being fun and young, but all it is is vapid and disillusioning. Need a new diet? Cosmo will have one. Need a way to lose those pesky extra 5 pounds? Five pounds?! Cosmo has that too. Want to know what cute new drink to order? What Lyndsey Lohan thinks about Paris Hilton? Want to see page after page of women that have been airbrushed and photoshopped as to eliminate any "flaw" (freckles, moles, womanly hips and thighs all being "flaws"), What new isolated incident that you, as a woman, should be terrified of? Go to Cosmo. Fun, Fearless Female? Go fuck yourself, Cosmo.

Whew.

Back to the quiz.

Last so-called trait. How I spend my weekends. According to this, I spend my weekends in my underground laboratory, in a white coat with all kinds of ideas spread around me. In little bottles on Bunsen burners probably. I'm experimenting with them. I'm seeing if my ideas can run through a maze for a piece of cheese. I'm putting my ideas on a microscope and saying, "hmmm....interesting." I'm mixing one idea with another idea causing them to bubble over green and then explode in a giant cloud of ideas! I should probably wear goggles for all of this!

This is not how I spend my weekends. I spend my weekends drinking, working and sleeping. If I have an idea, it probably isn't a very good one, because I'm probably drunk.

There's only one explanation to all of this. My personality is so complex, that it defies any computer. It baffles any test! I have beaten the internet! Jeez, I'm so freaking awesome!!

P.S. I would also like to take issue with a trait from Erin's results. It said she "can spend all night talking with someone." I know this, for a fact, to be untrue. She might try to stay up and talk to me, but she'll fall asleep in her chair within the first 10 minutes. That's ok. She's just tired. She's not a robot.

Niblets

2006-07-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

That's what this post will be. Little niblets of information.

- Although my previous post expounded on the virtues of BBQ, I have remembered why I HATE BBQ. I have been dealing with this BBQ business for three days! Tongs and baking sheets keep showing up next to the sink. Apparently, my dad didn't bring everything inside when he was done grilling. Gross...all greasy and porky. Also, the smell of BBQ has permeated my skin, I think. Despite being told that "dudes like the smell of BBQ", it does not agree with me. I keep catching whiffs of it, and I don't know where it's coming from. I think I need to treat this BBQ smell like lice, I will use a caustic shampoo, shave my entire body and boil my sheets and clothes. This is rapidly taking on the form of yet another OCD for me...

- My mom just handed me an egg salad sandwich. Surprising, yet tasty.

- Why won't people just shut the F up at the movies? Sitting behind me and my sister at Superman last night was a dude that was very much in awe of Superman's powers. Every super feat was met with a "DAYYYUMN!!" Yes, I know. It IS very impressive. That's why he's SUPERMAN. I am already impressed, I don't need you to punctuate every rescue and special effect.

- Speaking of Superman. Do you think at the end of the day Superman is just tired. You know? I mean, lifting buildings can't be THAT easy. I know he can do it, but wouldn't it be like a hard day at work for anybody else? I was thinking that while I was watching the movie. Does he ever get home and just say, "Shit. That was a long day." while rubbing his shoulder or something? I bet he does.

- I was also thinking, Batman isn't really a superhero. He's just a dude with resources. I mean, Superman was born that way, X-Men are born that way, Spiderman got bit by a radioactive spider and now can do cool things. Bruce Wayne is just a normal guy with a chip on his shoulder and a large checking account. Good for him, taking the law into his own hands and everything...but he's really more of a vigilante. Right? Don't get me wrong, I like Batman. I'm just saying.

That is all. Over and out.

What you're missing...

2006-07-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

If you're not me, that is...

So, this morning I was in the kitchen talking to my dad. I asked him if they ("they" being my parents) were going to bbq anything for the afternoon. My dad just sort of scratched his chin and said, "Yeah...I should probably start thinking about that. If I want to get to the grocery store before the crowds." This was at 11:00 this morning. So, we just sort of generally chatted about it for a few minutes, then the next thing I know, we're planning a fabulous dinner. I made a list, he went to the grocery store (he did NOT beat the crowds, by the way), we unloaded groceries and started cooking. We decided on:

Baby back ribs with cola bbq sauce: I made bbq sauce for the first time in my life this afternoon.
Acorn squash with asiago cheese and sage: I cooked butter, sage, maple syrup and a couple other things in a pan, brushed the squashes with it and then threw it on the grill. The cheese went on later.
Bacon wrapped corn on the cob: This is a really simple recipe I've been talking about for a couple months. Basically, you peel the husks off the corn, but don't remove them, clean out the silk, wrap the bacon around the corn then pull the husks back up and tie them together with kitchen twine. This proved to be harder than I thought since the husks kept tearing. But, I got it done. Those went on the grill too.

We also planned dessert.

Grilled peaches with raspberry puree and vanilla ice cream: Pretty much the same as the squash. Some melted butter and sugar before they went on the grill, then the puree and ice cream at the end.

This is how it all looked:

I put everything together, then my dad grilled it all. I found out that my dad and I are pretty efficient, we had the whole thing hammered out in like, 2 hours. Not only was everything smashingly delicious, but I had a fun time with my dad while we made everything.

Now I can either hang out here and do fireworks, or go to the girls' house and watch the boys light fireworks off a ladder. I'm not sure yet what I'll decide. I'm leaning a little toward fireworks off a ladder.

Happy 4th of July. Hope you don't burn off your hand.

Entertainment!

2006-07-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

This is Papa singing with the mariachis at the party. My camera would only take 5 seconds of video, but here it is anyways.

Happy Almost 4th of July!

2006-07-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

My grandparents had a 4th of July party last night. Here's how it all went down:

My niece, Alaina. She's very patriotic.

She asked me to specifically take this picture.

Baby Maria got her first taste of honeydew. She's smart. It IS disgusting.

She wasn't really going anywhere on the grass.

Rachel was taking my tips I picked up from "Top Model." Elongate your neck and find your light. Smashing.

Fun.

Nana

My dad!

Papa singing with the mariachis.

Sexy, sexy 4th of July.

Look how sweaty and gross I am! But I still love America!

The lady that brought this cake was kind of being a B about it. Like her cake, THAT SHE BOUGHT, was sooo special. So when it fell down, I snickered and took a picture.

These are my HOMEMADE cupcakes. These really were special. I made them completely from scratch. I was very proud of myself.

The party was really hot at this point. As you can see, Erin took off her top.

Homeland Security is TOTALLY coming after Tom. I think it's unconstitutional to put flags in your ears.

So there you go. There might be more later. But, probably not. Have a good 4th of July! Do something daring that our forefathers would appreciate. Jump over some fireworks or something. Swallow a watermelon seed. Risky!

Disclaimer

2006-06-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

I know that someone out there is probably tired of reading about my current situation with Jason. I'm not saying I know this for sure, I'm just saying that I'll bet it's true. To you I say, "deal with it, dick."

If I'm wrong, and nobody minds, then great! I'm sure it'll go back to other stuff soon, this is just what's in my head right now. I'll try to mix it up more often.

Love,
Sarah

Soundtrack of my life

2006-06-24T15:24:00.000-07:00

I usually listen to a lot of music. But this week, I've been listening to A LOT of music. More than usual. Every night when I go to bed, I put on the giant headphones and listen to music until I fall asleep. I'm probably just keeping my mind occupied since I'm usually talking to Jason before I go to bed. I threw some songs onto a playlist that fit my mood and my current situation. You might think I'm torturing myself, but this is how I feel better. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile. Sometimes it makes me do both at the same time. Here is the "Sad Girl" playlist:

"Soul Meets Body" - Death Cab for Cutie
"I Still Miss Someone" - Johnny Cash & Bob Dylan
"I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" - Colin Hay
"Blinking Lights (For Me)" - Eels
"Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" - The Smiths
"All I Want is You" - U2
"Your Love is the Place Where I Come From" - Teenage Fanclub
"Fake Plastic Trees"- Radiohead
"Love You More Than Life" - Neutral Milk Hotel
"Wonderwall" - Ryan Adams
"Pretty (Ugly Before)" - Elliott Smith
"Nothing Better" - The Postal Service
"Hallelujah"- Rufus Wainwright
"All is Full of Love" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Heartbeats" - Jose Gonzales
"Start Again" - Teenage Fanclub
"Every Day is Like Sunday" - Colin Meloy
"A Sorta Fairytale" - Tori Amos
"Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" - Beck
"The Trapeze Swinger" - Iron and Wine

Some of this stuff just fits my mood. Some of it has meaning. A couple in particular make my chest hurt every time. The Colin Hay, Smiths, and Iron and Wine songs make me tear up. Colin Hay because a lot of the words ring true for me right now, The Smiths because of it's intention on the original playlist from which it came, and Iron and Wine because it makes me think of a particular time when that song was on and I was with him and I cried. I cried a lot with Jason. Only 3 times because I was sad or upset, and those came right at the end. I cried every other time because I was happy, or overwhelmed with the way I felt for him. Nobody ever made me feel that way before. I was used to being very cold and stand-offish in my relationships. Jason made me feel like I was drowning in what I felt for him. Like my chest was going to explode from all the love it had crammed inside it. The only way I could alleviate it was to cry. It felt so good though. I'm such a weenie.

I've also been listening to The Decemberists, The Postal Service, Death Cab and the first CD he made for me. I listen to those in the car. They remind me of something very specific, listening to the same CD at the same time while at our respective jobs, at the very beginning of our relationship. Hearing those songs makes me feel those feelings all over again. They don't really make me sad, they make me smile. They make me remember what was so special in the first place. It was something we sort of stopped doing, even though we really liked it. I guess we didn't have to stop, I don't really know why we did. Next time around, I'm going to work harder to keep the fun things and not get so lazy.

Those two Teenage Fanclub songs are especially relevant right now. The lyrics are dead on for me. I wish I could link to them for everyone, but I can't. I lay there in my bed and I sing. I sing, and sing until I fall asleep. I feel better when I'm done. I sleep OK now. I know I'm not singing to anyone but myself, but it feels good to get the words out, it feels good to lay there and just lose myself in it. I see that there is a Death Cab version of "Start Again", but I can't find it.

Overall, I'm feeling better. Sometimes I'm still sad, but most of the time I'm just hopeful. It may seem like I'm looking back on things a lot, but really, I'm looking forward. I'm looking back on the good things to get me through all of this. When I hear these songs, when I remember these things, I close my eyes and I'm there again. I'm at my mom's work, just getting to know him, sharing the same music all day. I'm in his car on our first date, kissing him while The Smiths plays on the stereo, while we listen to my Valentine's Day present. I'm in bed crying to an Iron and Wine song, touching his face, hardly being able to believe that I could ever love someone this much. There are other songs, one in particular. There's one that's so special that I've reserved it for better days. Better days that I know are coming.

CAUTION!

2006-06-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

My mom is having our den remodeled. I thought there would be a whole crew here working on it, but it's just been this one dude and his high school age son. They're getting a lot done for just two people, but I don't see how. In any event, I'm in my room and I just heard this go down:

*lots of loud, repeated banging*
*sound of wood cracking and some major collapsing noises*

one dude: (genuinely distressed) "WHOA! LOOK OUT!!"

*general scrambling and scattering*

Then it got quiet for a second.

son: "It's ok, dad. It's ok!"

I don't know what the heck is going on out there. But whatever it is, I guess it's ok. Good to know.

Sanrio is a wealth of adorableness!

2006-06-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

I went shopping yesterday. This is what I bought:

This is the freaking cutest thing I've ever seen. All they had was this box of stationery. Everybody keep your eye out for this Deery Lou. I must have it!

I love my Panda Bear!

Justification

2006-06-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

Why do I keep feeling like if I call either very late at night or early in the morning that it doesn't count? I fought myself to put down the phone in the middle of the night last night, and this morning when I woke up at 6, I fought myself over picking it up...

Patience is a grown-up virtue. I need to get some.

I can't eat. I can barely sleep. Am I just being dramatic? I need to calm down and focus.

Today is June 21, Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year. It can't be any longer than yesterday.

Now for day 2.....

Long day...

2006-06-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

It's only 6:30 and it's been the longest, most heartbreaking day of my life. I'm so used to carrying my phone around, waiting for his calls or his text messages. I found myself clutching my phone and checking it every few minutes to see if I missed something. Everytime it rang I gasped and looked. I knew it wouldn't be him, but I couldn't help but get that same jolt of excitement that I always get when the phone rings and it might be him. It's only been 17 hours since the last time we spoke, and it feels like forever. Finally I just had to put my phone away. I zipped it up in my purse and walked away from it. That didn't stop me from digging it out whenever I walked by it though. I appreciate that he's being strong. I'm glad he's taking this seriously. It gives me hope for our future together. I miss him though. I miss him like I've never missed anybody. I thought I missed him before, when I just missed seeing him...this is gut wrenchingly worse. I don't know how long it will take me to stop jumping at phone calls and text messages. My phone has only rang twice today. The number of times it hasn't rang are infinite...

Black Tuesday

2006-06-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today is my first day without Jason.

Last night, after weeks of it coming to a head, I told him that we couldn't be together right now. I told him that I loved him desperately, like I've never loved anybody before, but that if we wanted to have any chance of being together, we had to make a break. This isn't a death sentence, it's an intermission. We both have a lot of growing up to do before we can take this any further. We had been talking about getting married, but it was something we had no business discussing. All the love in the world can't hold a relationship together when faced with problems within ourselves. Crippling problems. Problems that were threatening to tear us apart in a way that we wouldn't be able to fix. Last night, saying the words "we can't be together", I felt like I was tearing out my own heart. Letting go of him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've never met someone so kind, gentle, loving and understanding. Jason accepted me for who I am, he took everything that I showed to him, everything that I handed to him. Never once did he tell me he couldn't deal with something I told him. He loves me for who I am now. He doesn't judge me for anything that I've been or anything that I've done. He said things to me, did things for me, looked at me, touched me, in ways that you only ever imagine someone will. He's only ever handled me with love.

Ultimately, it wasn't enough. All the love that we have for each other wasn't enough. There are base things that you need in another person, we weren't able to offer those things to each other. I need someone stronger than I am, someone who is confident and sure of himself. Jason's insecurities had a lot of legs, reaching into many different parts of our relationship. It was the base of every problem that we had that was his doing. I'm not saying everything was his fault, a lot of it was my fault too. I'm not used to being in a relationship like this, I was always waiting for him to leave me, to stop calling, to taper off until he was gone. Because of that I never treated him like someone who was going to be around for a long time. My nasty mouth and bad attitude ran rampant. I let old defense mechanisms hurt someone that I love very much. I would say things to him then instantly wonder why, I would tease him and hurt him then get mad at him for not dealing with it. "I'm only playing." is a lousy excuse to treat someone poorly. My own family told me that I didn't treat him right. I tried to curb it, but it was too late. It was already an accepted behavior in our relationship. I was brought up to be very strong and stubborn. I've always been the kind to take a mile when given an inch. That's why I need someone to be stronger than me. I will walk all over anyone when given the chance. I was starting to do that to my boyfriend. I was letting little fights become big ones, I was taking molehills and making them mountains, I would react in a certain way just to get him to react to me, I've purposely worded things in a way to make him think something other than what I was saying. I'm a jerk. A great, big jerk. We are both children. We want to be in a grown-up relationship, but we have to be for real, not just pretending.

The catalyst for change was a lie. We'd been having small issues here and there, little things that were building up. We've been talking about them, a week ago we almost broke up, but we decided to stay together and try to work things out. We identified some of the problems, but neither one us would own up to the bigger issues. We diagnosed the symptoms and not the disease. After a romantical weekend that seemed to put us back on the right track, a little discussion about his tendency to make exaggerations and stretch the truth to get his point across brought about a not so little confession. He came clean to me about a lie that he'd been telling me since day one. A lie that I had told to other people because I thought it was the truth. It changed everything. The actual content of the lie itself was a small issue compared to the fact that he'd lied to my face for the entire duration of our relationship. Although I could appreciate his wanting to come clean, it didn't change the fact that now I questioned other things. He told me there wasn't anything else. I really wanted to believe him, but now I didn't know how I could. Again, his insecurity had come between us. He lied to me because he didn't want me to think poorly of him. When we first met he told me that he was moving back home. I had no problem with that because I was living back at home too. But he owned up to me yesterday and told me that he hadn't just moved back home. That he had never even left in the first place. Again, his insecurity keeping him from stepping out and living his life. It broke my heart that a lie to save face, told in the first few hours of our relationship, was now going to be the end of us. It broke my heart that we were doomed from day one. But then I took stock and reevaluated. Why did it have to be the end? Why couldn't it be motivation to change? Not just for him, but for me too. We both have a lot of growing up to do. I think that we can do this together. We can be there for each other. Maybe not in the capacity that we're used to, but I know that knowing that he's doing his best to make improvements with himself will be motivation for me to make my own. I've been out on my own, but I've never been out on my own without help from my parents. I'm working on being secure and self-sufficient too. We both need to learn to be grown-ups.

I know that Jason has the capacity to be the man that I need him to be. He's already been so many other things that I needed. He's been supportive of me starting my own business, he's been there for me when I doubted myself, he's been there when I needed someone to cry to, when I needed someone to complain to, he's been my friend and love. The happiest that I've been in years was times spent with him. I don't want this to be over. We can only be better for each other. We can only move forward from here. Jason says he'll be back for me. I wish I could blink and this would all be over, but I know it will take time. From now on, when I pray for myself, I'll pray for him. When I drag myself to work even when I don't want to, it won't be just for me. He's already changed my life so much. We've already been positive influences in each other's lives. I feel like we've stripped away all the small things just by being together. All that's left now is to attack the root. And that isn't something that either one of us can do for the other.

I feel sad, but I don't feel a sense of loss. Everyday that I don't talk to him is a day that I know he's out there doing better and growing and changing. It's a day that I have to grow and change in my own life. It might seem like there's no end in sight right now, and that's true. We don't know when we'll be back together or what the outcome will be, but I know it's there. Somewhere. Just waiting for us to get there.

Sternie Snacks

2006-05-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

Burnt popcorn is for losers and poor people.

On a completely unrelated note, Pop Secret Homestyle popcorn is so delicious. Really. Out-f'ing-standing.

That is all.

My brilliant, smashing weekend

2006-05-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of things I have done since Friday:

- Dyed my hair red. That's right. RED. Got a little on my forehead too, but that's OK.
- Jason came back to town after 2 LONG weeks just in time to see me with my head all in foil. I didn't even care though as I was so ecstatically happy to see him.
- We went to my sister's house at 5:30 on Sat. morning to help her with her yard sale. I watched my sister and old people bicker over pocket change. An old lady came and bought a quilt while we were there. She paid Rachel, then turned to walk away. She got about 2 feet from us and farted. Rachel and I could barely contain our giggles. Old people are so weird. Some old man came by and asked about her entertainment center. This exchange went down:
Old Man - "That's a nice entertainment center. How much you want for it?"
Rachel - "It's marked $25, but I'll sell it to you for $15."
Old Man - "I'll give you $12."
Rachel - "No deal. $13."
Old Man - "No. 13 is unlucky."
Rachel - "Fine. $14."
-Old Man walks away. Then comes back and looks at the entertainment center again. Like it was the first time he'd seen it.-
Old Man - "How much you want for this entertainment center? $15? I'll take it!"
Rachel - "OK"
Old Man - "Wait. It has this scratch on it. $12."
Rachel - "Look. $15 and I throw in some free help loading it into your truck."
Old Man - "That's haggling. Deal."
-Old Man tries to pick up one end while my brother-in-law picks up the other end.-
Old Man - "This is too heavy. I don't think I can lift it."
-Rachel ends up having to help load the entertainment center.-
*Scene*
- After almost 4 months of being together, Jason and I drove down to La Mirada on Saturday so he could take me to meet his parents. I bought a tasty raspberry almond cake and we hit the road. We got to La Mirada and I got dressed up all pretty. I'm totally not nervous until we get to his front yard. Then I started to panic. Jason looked at me and could tell I was starting to freak. He calmed me down and we went inside. I did OK for a little bit but then I started to panic again. There isn't anything wrong with his parents. They're totally nice and they made me feel comfortable. I started to panic because it's just been so long since I was involved with anyone to the point where I met their mom. I panicked at the thought of making dinner conversation. I was terribly, terribly nervous. I love Jason and I wanted his parents to like me. But all of a sudden I felt like running away. He was holding my hand and he said to me, "Do you want to see a desert tortoise?" Yes. Yes, I do. He found the tortoise for me and we gave it water, then he took me back inside and got me a glass of iced tea, he took me down the street to show me a burned out house, we came back and sat on the front porch for a bit. I was able to compose myself and calm down. We went back inside and I had a conversation with his parents about their dogs and my dogs and pets in general. I relaxed and had a really nice time. His parents were very nice to me and I could see myself getting to know them. That really makes me happy. We left there after cake and went to visit some friends of his. Again, I was nervous, but then we got there, I had a beer and ended up having a really good time. More people I really want to get to know. We were tired and we turned in kind of early. The night ended up better than I had hoped.
- The next morning we went back to his parent's house for breakfast. Then, Jason took me to the Cabrillo Beach Museum. If you know me, you know I'm a Junior Aquanaut. I ran all over that aquarium like a kid in a candy store. I looked at jellyfish, stared down a Moray Eel, got scared by some scary fish, laid on a whale tail, touched a starfish, poked a sea urchin, hugged a whale, and raided the gift shop. After that, he took me down to Venice and we had apps at this chinese place he likes, then we went down the beach and I got in the water. After some minor persuasion, Jason got in with me. There was a point where we were holding hands, the water was ankle deep, the waves were crashing, the breeze was blowing and I was utterly happy. It was wonderful. He eventually lured me away from the beach with promises of Fatburger and the Santa Monica pier. We drove out to Santa Monica and walked around. I had Fatburger for the first time, we went to an Apple store and played, we started to walk down to the pier but I was really tired, it's on the agenda for next time. It was getting late and he had to drive me home then turn around and drive back, so we left. I went home with sand on my toes and a happy little heart. I had the best time. I was so happy to be with Jason in a place where he could show me things and take me to places he wanted to share with me. The drive home was a little sad, but still lovely. Every second I spend with him is just brilliant. I can't wait to go back.

That was my weekend. I came home feeling like when you're a kid and you spend all day at the fair. My feet were tired, my hair was dirty, and I had a minor tummy ache from kettle corn, but I was totally happy. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. I'm looking forward to more weekends like this.

Huh?

2006-05-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

It's a million degrees outside so you know what that means. That's right! Sno Shack! Yeaaah! It also means all kinds of lesser Sno Shacks. The poor man's Sno Shacks! I passed one on my way home that said, "New Orleans Style." What the crap does that mean? How can crushed ice and cherry syrup be any kind of regional style? What is "New Orleans Style"? Is it gumbo? Is it titties and beads? Does it mean voodoo? That's gotta be it. Voodoo. Voodoo flavored snow cones. Mmmm...that neopaganism sure is refreshing on a hot day! Much better than the bubblegum flavor I WAS going to get. Excellent choice me.

Danger!!

2006-04-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

Hey! There's a bee in my room!!! Watch out!!

Where did this bee come from?! Could this be why my right eye is swollen so bad? Did a bee bite me in the eye while I was sleeping? That bee better not have given me pirate eye or I'm going to squash him. I should probably squash him anyways....hold on..

I got him! He was a fighter though. I kept smacking him with a rolled up magazine, but he kept getting up. Eventually he fell into the track of the window and I closed the window on him. Gruesome. I hope he doesn't come back to haunt me. A little spectral bee...awww...how cute! That's not scary at all!

I bet you think I'm pretty brave fighting that bee. But I'm not. I'm a coward. I waited until his little bee back was turned before I smacked him. I'm no better than the bee biting me in my sleep...

Le *sigh*...

I LOVE THE INTERNET!!

2006-04-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: October 5

You have many talents, and you are great at sharing those talents with others.
Most people would be jealous of your clever intellect, but you're just too likeable to elicit jealousy.
Progressive and original, you're usually thinking up cutting edge ideas.
Quick witted and fast thinking, you have difficulty finding new challenges.

Your strength: Your superhuman brainpower

Your weakness: Your susceptibility to boredom

Your power color: Tangerine

Your power symbol: Ace

Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Man...I bet you guys HATE this!! I didn't even make any of this stuff up on my own! OOOOHH!! My power month is almost here!! Get ready, chumps!

Word.

2006-04-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Hi Dusti!

ND, Day 1

2006-04-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

OK, Day 1 of the ND is drawing to a close. How did I do today?

Well...

Not great.

I mean, I didn't eat anything off the ND, but I don't think I did it right. This morning went ok, I learned that scrambled egg whites taste EXACTLY like a hard boiled egg. I also learned that plain oatmeal with some nutmeg and cinnamon in it is pretty good. So I had that, then I was hungry. But I didn't have anything because that would have been stupid.

So then I left the house. I saw 4 interesting things while running my errands:

1. A woman at Target with the top of her crunchy, curly hair bleached bright blonde. Like a crispy, blonde yarmulke. The bottom of this horrendous mop was sort of an orangey-brown. I don't get it. Is it supposed to look young and subversive? It surely can't be meant to look natural. I see a lot of this sort of thing on older women. Especially around here. Hmm...it's like if Xtina Aguilera was a soccer mom in her mid 40's.

2. A woman at Albertson's with a rhinestone "tattoo" on her arm. Her bicep, no less. She was VERY careful taking her purse off that arm. I'm like, "Hey! Did I miss a carnival around here? Where I can get my face painted and my arm fat bedazzled?!"

3. A woman at Linens N Things wearing a VERY short jean skirt. Not only was the jean skirt a very pale blue, and her legs were very old, but to add to the ocular offense of it all, the jean skirt was trimmed in lace. LACE!! WHO DOES THAT ANYMORE!? It's like everyone is going through a mid-life crisis all at the same time.

4. I noticed all day a lot of mothers telling their kids to "shut up." I don't have kids, so I don't know how this parenting thing works. However, I'm pretty sure if you want children that are polite and well behaved, that you shouldn't scornfully tell them to shut up. That's just me though. What do I know?

I went to all these places, then I got home and I was famished!! OK, ND!! Lay it on me!! I had chicken, rice noodles, and a sweet potato. All things that are on my diet. But I think I overdid it. I'm fairly certain it all works out calorie-wise. But that kind of thinking has done me in while on previous diets! I went grocery shopping tonight, so tomorrow I'm going to be much more conscientious of my food consumption.

Juliette Lewis is on TV right now. I saw her and her band when I was at a taping of the Carson Daly Show once. That's right. Juliette and the Licks AND Carson Daly. It's like the 7th circle of Hell. Her camel toe was F-I-E-R-C-E, FIERCE!! And not fierce like the gay accolade. Fierce like a garbage truck.

Just Shoot Me

2006-04-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

Also, have you heard that Heather Locklear is dating David Spade? Gross.

Way to trade up, Heather.

I know Richie Sambora was no prize, and he DOES play in Bon Jovi, but he's a far sight better than Joe Dirt. I'm just saying..

Apparently, David Spade gets all the old pussy. Sick.

Hit Me Baby, One More Tme..

2006-04-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

Today is DAY ONE of my New Diet. Which means it's also, "Gung Ho Day", "Wide Eyed Optimism Day", and "Well, I Don't LOOK Like I Weigh That Much Day". This is another diet in a 16 year long string of diets. I seriously have been on a "diet" for 16 years. Do you see how good I look? Do you see how I've kept the weight off while eating sensibly, yet still have room for the things I enjoy? Do you see how I am SO not a slave to food and/or my poor body image? Right. All of that.

OK, today's New Diet supposedly works by using your own metabolism and body type to map out the foods you should eat and the foods you shouldn't eat. Unfortunately, I am not on the "Chicken McNuggets and Sonic Peanut Butter Sundaes" diet. Actually, that was the diet I WAS on, and I really wasn't seeing the results I wanted.

Let's see...
According to the New Diet I am a FEMALE BODY TYPE "A"..."A"! That must mean I'm very smart and really great! No, wait, it means, I've "almost always had trouble with weight and am very heavy." Was the word VERY so neccessary? It also means I "gain weight easily, and, for the most part, evenly over the entire body." Well. OK, New Diet, you've got me there. What else have you got to say? What's that?! I "may be very large and round-tending toward obesity?!" Hey! That wasn't nice! Do I say mean things like that about you? Like, "the New Diet has very sharp edges and smells like cardboard." How did you like that? Not very much I'll bet...

*sigh*

Who am I kidding? You've got me all figured out, New Diet. I'm sorry. My smart mouth is just a defense mechanism. I guess I should work on the inside me as well as the outside me, huh? What? You don't have anything for the inside me? OK. Well, that's ok, I guess. You can only do so much...

This New Diet is kind of like a Magic 8 Ball. It knows all about me. But when I ask it anything else, it just answers with something like, "2 oz. turkey breast and 1 cup of greens." That is NOT the answer to the question "Will Luke Wilson marry me if I go on this new diet?"

The New Diet (referred to from here on out as ND) says I am guaranteed to lose 30 pounds in 6 weeks if I stick to the diet. After that, from what I can understand, it's calorie counting. No problem.

ND says for breakfast I should have 2 egg whites and 1/2 cup of oatmeal. Egg whites? Well, if it's good enough for celebrities, it's good enough for me. I feel like Nicole Richie! This is so exciting!

Updates to follow.

Breaking News!!

2006-04-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

Haha...just kidding.

Since it's been soooo long since my last post I felt like I had to do SOMETHING. I don't really have anything to say, so here's this:

Three names you go by:
1. Sarah
2. Stern
3. Sternie

Three screen names you have:
1. Who has 3 screen names?

Three things you like about yourself:
1. My face
2. My rack
3. My brain

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
1. My laziness
2. My thighs
3. Your mom

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Mexican
2. German
3. Apache

Three things that scare you:
1. Homeless dudes
2. Chucky
3. Infinity

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. iMac (it's purple)
2. The poor man's SLVR (my cell phone)
3. Food

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Red panties!! WOOOO!
2. My robe
3. Glasses

Three of your favorite bands/artists at the moment:
Let's see what iTunes has to say about this...according to my Most Played...
1. The Postal Service
2. The Decemberists
3. Neutral Milk Hotel
Wow...I'm COOOL!!

Three of your favorite songs at present:
1. “Dog Park” by Minus the Bear
2. “Hovering" by Beulah
3. “Nothing Better" by The Postal Service

Three things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Get my business off the ground.
2. Move
3. Making my bed every morning

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
1. Good conversation
2. Kindness
3. Presents
4. Hot SEXXX

Two truths and a lie:
1. I once beat out a cake shaped like an octopus in a baking contest. SHAPED LIKE AN OCTOPUS.
2. I was kidnapped as a baby in Mexico. Well, babysnatched.
3. I can dance like Beyonce.

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeals to you:
1. Height
2. A good face
3. Something else. I can't say.

Three things you just can’t do:
1. A cartwheel
2. Show my thighs in public
3. Play the sousaphone

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Reading/Writing
2. Picking
3. Embroidery

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. Eat something terrible for lunch since *another* new diet starts tomorrow.
2. Take a shower
3. Bother Jason

Three careers you’re considering:
1. Librarian
2. Writer
3. Esthetician

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Oregon or Northern CA
2. New York
3. Italy

Three kids names:
1. Shark-Bait
2. Ava
3. Asparagus-Face

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Be successful enough that I don't have to worry about money.
2. Have a family.
3. Punch a shark.

Sorry for the cop-out. I'm going to do a real post in the next couple days. Then after that I may track my new diet on here a little bit.

Random

2006-03-15T15:52:00.000-08:00

Something I thought you'd like to know:

Today, while looking for socks in our giant sock basket in the laundry room, I ran across a SLOUCH SOCK, AND I RECOGNIZED IT!! The interesting thing to note here is not that I used to wear slouch socks, it's that in finding that slouch sock I inadvertently took a look into the soul of my family. What I found is not pretty...what I found is that in the 20 or so years since the purchase of that sock, we've just been pushing it around in the sock basket. It doesn't have a mate, and it's all stretched out. I know this to be true because on the odd occasion that I would pair the socks, it would just get left in the basket because nothing goes with it. We never throw it away...I, of course, threw it back in the basket.

Overheard at my hair place while waiting for my hairdresser:

Blondie McTightTop: (While the song "Everytime You Go Away" plays on the radio) "You know, I used to think this song said, 'Everytime you go away/you take a piece of meat with you', because I always used to carry bologna around with me! Isn't that funny?! *giggle, giggle*" Not really. Dummy.

Please John Tesh, don't be next!

2006-03-09T10:05:00.000-08:00

Yanni, David Hasselhoff and Thomas Kinkade. Nerve.com calls it "the unholy trifecta of batterers".

John Tesh, Fabio...if you guys are reading, and you probably are, I implore you to maintain the level of excellence and non-threatening, ambiguous sexuality that we all appreciate. Do not fall by the wayside like these ruffians! I beg of you, do not further tarnish the dwindling world of soft focus cameras and rose petal strewn beds...in times like these, we need something to believe in...something innocuous and sexy...

Hold your heads high, John Tesh and Fabio! You sirs, are truly the standards by which all others will be judged...

An open letter..

2006-02-23T15:17:00.000-08:00

To the douchebag I saw driving in his little Mustang while shirtless:

It's February. And you look like an ass.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Lunch

2006-02-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

I just ate a half of a frozen ham sandwich for lunch. There wasn't a whole frozen ham sandwich to eat. There was only a half. Leftover from yesterday. Had there been an entire frozen ham sandwich, I probably would have eaten all of it. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm pretty sure I don't feel too great about it.

I LIKE TO MAKE LISTS

2006-02-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of things I am LOVING these days:

1. Mango-chamomile Tea. Super spectacular.
2. I'm a t-shirt poster girl! Go, Nessie! Go!
3. I've been SO cold. I don't love that...I do love the way it feels when I get in the shower, and my skin is like ice, but then the hot water melts me. I was thinking about that this morning. While I melted in the shower.
4. All the fun things I'm doing with a lovely new boy. I had a Valentine's Day date for the first time in like, 10 years! We've been out to wonderful dinners, we've been to play at the river (I yelled at some ducks), we've been to see the animals at CALM, we've been bowling, we've been to happy hour, we've been hanging out with my friends, we've been to Trader Joe's to buy fancy snacks for movie day, we've had movie day! At this point I'm really trying to enjoy this and not ruin it, as I usually do. Not this time! No ruining for me!!
5. Mix tapes (CDs) from above boy. When I was in high school, there was this boy who started bringing me tapes all of a sudden. Not knowing any better, I accepted the tapes. More tapes came after that, then more...I realized too late that when a boy makes you tapes it probably means he wants to put his tongue in your mouth. That boy with the dual cassette player went on to become the very first boyfriend I ever had. The mix tapes worked out well for him. The mix tapes are working out well now...not that he only wants to put his tongue in my mouth. Anyways, the CDs are GOOD. My friends are jealous, and if you know me at all, you know I only ever want to make my friends jealous.
6. Listening to music through headphones. I forgot how much I love it. I got in bed last night, put on the headphones and just listened. It was near transcendent. OK, not really. But it was pretty freaking great.
7. I don't feel especially clever these days. I don't love that, but I felt the need to make a note of it.
8. I slept for 12 hours last night. I was very tired.
9. My purple flannel sheets are glorious. That's right, GLORIOUS. Glorious like a soprano singing. Pair the flannel sheets with the down comforter and you get a bed that warrants the 12 straight hours of slumber. Aaaahhhh...
10. Now I'm just looking around for things to talk about.
11. I love lamp.

Four Things

2006-02-05T09:41:00.000-08:00

For Jason

Four Jobs I've Had

1. Salesgirl, Hallmark - That's right. Hallmark. I worked there for 2 years after high school. I was the youngest person that had EVER worked in that store. It was an OK job. The old ladies were sweet, and after I had worked there for a bit they started bringing in other girls my age, so that was nice. My boss, Jean, was a weird bird though. She used to send me to the grocery store for her to buy a single banana, bird seed, a water bottle and then some other random thing. She made me catch flies and moths in the store and release them back into the wild. There were always all kinds of stray cats hanging around because she would feed them. They'd be out behind the store yowling and fighting.... It still wasn't that bad, the job took a turn for the worse when the Beanie Baby craze hit and the hausfraus started to go nuts. They would be at the store before I was there to open and they were mean to me on the phone. The whole irritating mess came to a head when I was mobbed coming out of the back room with new stock of Beanie Babies like I was Lindsey Lohan at the Mall of America. Weirdos.

2. Customer Service at the mall -
Q. Where is the nearest bathroom? A. Gottschalk's
I only worked there for a few months before the company was bought out and we all lost our jobs. This dude came in once to rent a wheelchair from me, he sat down in it, rolled up his jeans and took off his PROSTHETIC LEG. He then nonchalantly handed it to me and asked me to hold onto it for him. Ummm....sure. This is me throwing up.

3. File Clerk, LeBeau-Thelen - This was my stint at a law firm. I took it after getting laid off from another job. I took a pay decrease, but it was worth it to meet the people that I met. Besides that, it was pretty fun to work there. There were beers in the fridge, free trips to Vegas and HILARIOUS girls sharing a file room with me. I totally got fired.

4. Office Manager, Advanced Asphalt and Engineering - My parents own this company. I've worked there off and on for the last 12 years. It's always a nice transition job. I'm working there again now while I try to start a new career. Blah.

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

1. Dazed and Confused - "I loooooove high school girls, I get older and they stay the same age." Hahahahaha...Parker Posey plays the best character in the movie. She's such a trick. I love it.

2. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - I don't really think there's any explanation needed.

3. Swingers - Vince Vaughan is such a baby in this movie!!

4. Back to the Future 1 & 2 - I know I cheated a little because this is 2 movies, but they count as 1 here, ok? It's not that I love them so bad, it's mostly that I just don't really get tired of watching them. Lorraine McFly was such a slut.

Four Places I Want To Live

1. San Francisco - I love it there. It's so fun and everything is just so different and interesting. Lots of things to do, lots of places to be...

2. San Diego - It's just pretty nice there.

3. I would say New York, except for that the thought of being there alone freaking terrifies me.

4. Oregon - Far, far Northern CA too. It's just flat out gorgeous. The ocean in front of you, the woods to your back. Whales, black sand, clean air. It's beautiful. I would have to just tolerate the hippies I suppose.

Four Television Shows I Love

1. MIAMI INK!!
2. Family Guy
3. The Simpsons
4. Scrubs

Four Places I've Vacationed

1. Lake Tahoe - This was the first time I ever went skiing. I was in the 5th grade and my little sister kept peeing in her snowsuit.

2. Nanaheim - Disneyland for a couple days. That's not the most relaxing vacation.

3. McKinleyville - Up north for Christmas when I was 14.

4. Pismo Beach - Countless times. (I just TOTALLY typed "cuntless" on accident! Hahahaa!!) Clam chowder at Splash Cafe is reason enough to drive out just for the day.

I've gotta say. I haven't ever really taken a proper vacation as an adult. And I've never been anywhere super glamorous on vacation. I'd like to do that. At least go somewhere for longer than a 3 day weekend.

Four of My Favorite Dishes

1. Cereal - I always like it. It doesn't like me.

2. Veal Parmesan - Baby cows are delicious!! One of the rare times I'll eat beef. And it's the most sadistic kind of beef..man, I am such a walking contradiction.

3. Blueberry Pancakes with Sausage - I love breakfast! Blueberries in the pancakes is so yummy!! Throw some sausage into the mix to swirl around in my syrup and you've got a happy girl on your hands.

4. That pizza with panchetta on it that I had at Denys' house. That pizza was dope.

Four Sites I Visit Daily

1. Something Awful
2. Myspace. Shut up. YOU know what I'm talking about, ERIN.
3. Nerve, Daily Scanner is great.
4. I'm going to start hitting my Flickr account more often.

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now

1. Someplace warmer. F me, I'm freezing.
2. Dominating Jason at Mario Kart 64.
3. The beach. Almost any beach.
4. My sister Rachel's house. With my sister and brother-in-law and nieces. It's a wicked good time over there.

*BONUS* One Place I Don't Want To Be - Vegas. Yuck. Every single time I come back from there I feel like I'm never drinking or smoking again. Gross.

Five People I Want To Do This

1. Rachel
2. Erin
3. Steve
4. I would say Missy but she doesn't do this kind of thing. I'm probably not even supposed to be saying her name on the internet.
5. Denicio Del Toro

This might be a photoblog now. Pictures from my morning!

2006-02-01T08:55:00.000-08:00

Today I'm wearing my favorite shirt. My boobs are giant in this picture. I'm just tryin' to keep it sexy around here."
"

Coffee, tea or ME?!"
"

If you're bad..."
"

Jerks in the backyard."
"

It's still Christmas in my bathroom."
"

RABIES!!!!"
"

I appreciate the safety grip on my toothbrush."
"

Good morning! Let's make out! I'll brush!!"
"

I know, I know

2006-01-15T03:16:00.000-08:00

It seems like lately I don't have much to say. I will again soon...

In the meantime, check out what I made!

Watch out Jay Leno!

2006-01-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Is it bad that I find it funny that TURKEY is the country having a bird flu problem? Get it? Turkey!

Suck on that, Diana!

2006-01-06T15:03:00.000-08:00

Here are a list of CDs I've bought recently:

The Replacements "Tim"
Flaming Lips "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots"
Regina Spektor "Soviet Kitsch"
Ramones "Ramones Mania"
The Comas "Conductor"
The Stills "Logic Will Break Your Heart Forever"
Elliott Smith "Roman Candle"
Frou Frou "Details"
Death Cab for Cutie "Plans"
Bjork "Vespertine"

Steve got me Autolux's "Future Perfect" for Christmas.

I'm gonna start my own radio station.

Dog face boy

2005-12-24T10:32:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does this kid look like a werewolf?

Burn Watch 2005

2005-12-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

Here's my burn today. Looking even uglier.

Here's some pictures of some things.

2005-12-10T19:27:00.000-08:00

This is my wicked bad burn. It really hurts.

This is totally art.

Here I am. How cute!

The world is back on track...

2005-12-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

My friend came out and fixed my computer today. Freakin' sweet. Now I will be posting more often.

Check me out! I'm Jerry Seinfeld!

2005-12-01T13:34:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed that girls with Playboy bunny tattoos are usually girls you would NEVER want to see naked?

I thought of that at the bank today. The hillbilly girl in front of me had a very prominent Playboy bunny tattoo on her very classy neck.

Let's See...

2005-11-28T10:50:00.000-08:00

I am such a slackin' jerk! I can't have anything nice. I've just neglected my blog like a redheaded stepchild named Erin. How weak. It isn't COMPLETELY my fault. My computer still isn't running, and I've been computer surfing for the last couple months because of it. It's hard to maintain an up to the minute blog when I don't have access to my computer whenever I want. So enough of that...

I finally finished school. Now I have to study, study, study. My State Board date is 12/14. I'm terrified of it, but at the same time have this weird inner calm going on. I'm pretty sure, if I can wrangle my totally wild study skills, that I can pass this test. I just have to buckle down and focus. I'm glad to be done with school, but now I have to pay for my haircuts and nails. That sucks. I was used to the freebies. All the free beauty maintenance was a perk that I didn't think about ahead of time. It's been quite enjoyable. I've had so many free haircuts and pedicures in the last 4 months, not to mention the daily facials and non-stop waxing. I haven't bought my own waxer yet, so needless to say, I'm not quite a seal anymore. I will return to my seal-like state soon though. And everyone I know will be seals too. It's going to be sweet.

What else....

I need to buy a new coat. Something good.

Another Holiday Greeting

2005-11-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving you stupid turkeys! Eat lots of pie!

Halloween Tip

2005-10-31T21:10:00.000-08:00

While driving this evening, I have seen A LOT of weirdos on bikes. Don't get snatched, kids!

Hello Lovelies!!

2005-10-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

Did I spell "lovelies" right? I have no idea.

It appears that everyone has jumped my blog ship. I must admit, I am partly to blame. A terrible blog ship captain do I make. I haven't updated this bad boy in more than a month. Whoa! It really isn't my fault though. My computer was more or less shot right in the face by my youngest sister. She crashed it, and crashed it good! I need a new hard drive or something...

So while I work on that, here is my update.

I pre-applied at State Board yesterday to get a test date for when I finish school. Which terrifies the crap out of me. I graduate on 11/16. That is FREAKING close. It makes me feel like throwing up. I can do it. And when I do...NEW TATTOO! Hooray! I can't wait to be done with school. That place is like "Groundhog Day"; every f'ing day is EXACTLY the same. Minor variations of the same boring, lame, sadistic bullshit. Blah.

What else...

My birthday came and went. I had probably the best birthday ever. I finally had my birthday skate party. Not as easy as it was in my head. I had big roller derby plans for myself, that after being back on skates, I fear may never come to fruition. I really suck. I cannot skate ANYMORE. I even smacked a kid. She just shook it off and kept right on skating. I finally got a digital camera, so once my computer is back up, expect lots of pictures.

That's all I have to say right now. I have something better to do right now.

I love you very much.

I AM QUITE POSSIBLY THE WORST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD

2005-09-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

Except for Joshua. He's far, far worse than I am.

I haven't necessarily been busy, just lazy. I also feel like I don't have anything important to say. Or even entertaining.

The big news around here is that my youngest sister has decided to become proactive by joining the Red Cross to help out in New Orleans. She is so excited to go help, and I am very proud of her. Even though it makes me feel like a stupid, selfish jerk.

School is moving right along. I am now halfway done. The first half went by really fast, I only hope the last half does too.

The girls at my school are all getting sick. At the moment I have a sore throat and runny nose. I have pumped myself just full enough of vitamin C, zinc and echinacea to keep the full on affliction at bay, but I fear I may be fighting a losing battle.

I swear, half the people I know are in Europe right now. That doesn't seem fair at all. I can only hope for all kinds of wonderful gifts and French cigarettes.

See, I told you. Nothing important OR entertaining.

Death From Above 1979

2005-08-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

THIS song kicks so much ass! Almost more ass than should be allowed. I saw this band on Conan months ago, and they were so awesome. I listen to this song, "Romantic Rights", ALL THE TIME! It makes me dance. F YEAH!! If you're not stupid, you'll listen to it right now!

Oh no!

2005-08-16T18:16:00.000-07:00

I'm having blogger's block. I have things I want to write about, but I can't convey them properly just yet.

The storm on Sunday night was cleansing, to say the least. Not only did it wash away some of our patently filthy air, but standing out in my front yard and watching the storm did me some good as well. It changed my mood. I live in the middle of nowhere now, away from the obtrusive glare of streetlights and traffic. Gone from neighbors and neighborhoods, neon lights and other people's living room televisions. Sunday night was just the flickering lightning. The thunder took me by surprise, I wasn't expecting it so I heard it withough realization for a long time. Finally, standing in the middle of the sky and the ground, I saw it. Thunder rolling overhead and off in the distance. Veins of lightning slowy streaking, splitting, slashing down the center of the sky. Like giant cracks in the atmosphere.

And then the rain came. Cutting through the crackling summer air. Slowly at first, just sprinkling. Then harder and faster. Giant, heavy raindrops pounding down and washing away. Making it so I can breathe again. Clearing away dirt and smog in the sky and in my head. I saw something bigger than myself. Lately I've been feeling like I'm suffocating. So I stood in the middle of the storm and finally took giant, gulping breaths.

The next day it felt like summer had broken and fall was suddenly here. When I woke up to an overcast and breezy sky, my hot, oppressive, airless mood was finally broken as well.